Out with the Infacol and in with... Not very much!

So, after three days of Infacol and Little Bear vomiting his milk back up after every feed, after discussions with the Health Visitor, we decided to stop giving it to him. He seems a lot less fussy when feeding than he was when taking Infacol, so that is an improvement already. Unfortunately he has got the Health Visiting team stumped. They don't know what it is that is causing my beautiful little boy to be so unhappy, grumpy and unsettled all the time.

So, I'm trying other avenues to see if things improve for him. As he will just cry and cry as soon as you put him down, or even sit down, my first purchase has been a sling, so at least I can hopefully get on with things and save my poor arms from the constant holding and jigging. This boy is getting really heavy! After a LOT of reading and asking questions and researching, I've decided on a Close Caboo; a stretchy, pre-tied wrap that comes highly recommended for newborns. I'm hoping it arrives in the next few days.

The other thing I'm going to try is an elimination diet, in case he is reacting to something I'm eating, that is transferring through into my milk. The most common allergens, and things that I am eliminating from my diet, are dairy, soy, gluten, wheat, nuts, eggs, caffeine, shellfish (of which I only eat prawns anyway).

This means no bread (no toast and nutella! Argh! Even gluten free bread has egg in), no biscuits, no cake (sob). Avoid gaseous vegetables such as broccoli, cauliflower and cabbage. No citrus fruits.

I'm armed with rice milk, turkey, lamb, dairy free margarine, rice, potatoes, squash, courgette and lots of pears. The idea is to keep to a fairly strict eliminated diet for two weeks, then gradually reintroduce a food every 4 days, always carefully logging what happens.

Let's see if the little chap improves...

Onwards and... Infacol?

So, the Health visitor came the other day. Little Bear demonstrated his lung capacity like a trooper and cried inconsolably the whole time she was here. She assured me that, yes, he is overly distressed and unsettled. From observing him, she thinks he may have silent reflux, so recommended Infacol and raising the head of his moses basket. She also suggested we go pay a visit to a paediatric osteopath as he may have been a bit squashed up in utero.

So, I dutifully toddled down to buy the little red and white box of promised magic. It's nice, in a way, to be given a possible reason why my darling little boy is so dreadfully unhappy all the time. It doesn't make it any easier to cope with though. It's utterly heart breaking to watch such a helpless little mite cry and cry and cry and not be able to take his pain away. 

So, while I wait for the magic potion to start work, I try to get my littlies out of the house and all of us distracted as much as possible. Order of the day today? Play Café. Little Bear has already thrown up all over himself and the Crumpet has trapped her thumb in a door. I might just cry into my tea and Infacol.

On the plus side, Little Bear was weighed and comes in at a hefty 12lb 5oz at only 5 weeks old. That'll be the breastfeeding every two hours! Go momma!

The pursuit of orderliness

Since becoming a full time stay at home mum, I have found it hard. Incredibly hard. Yes, i know I'm unbelievably lucky, fortunate and blessed to have this special short amount of time with my little ones, watching then grow and develop into little people. However, I have missed adult company and conversation. And it's lonely. By god, is it lonely.

I have slowly been numbed by countless hours of CBeebies and those damned surprise eggs on YouTube (but good god, they are a lifesaver when you really, really need five minutes peace or have to make dinner!) I have slowly become a expert in Makaton (Thank you very much Mr Tumble) and tree fu (not quite so useful, Tom...) and grown a severe, almost violent dislike for certain fluffy fictional characters (watch out Raa Raa, those stupid creatures from Waybaloo (it's YOGA not yogo!), Upsy Daisy (such a floozy) and all the Tweenies, apart from Max, who deserves a medal!) My ear worms are now all children's tv theme tunes. My current affairs knowledge is what ever is trending on Facebook. In depth discussions are now about parenting methods, potty training tips or how to get your toddler to stay in bed past 5 am. I'm sure I used to have a brain...

I also used to be incredibly meticulous and efficient. These are two adjectives completely unknown and alien to a toddler and a newborn.

 And herein less my problem.

I am slowly losing control.

I used to teach. My classroom was my realm: My rules. My expectations. My way.  It was always scrupulously tidy, organised and ordered. Drawers were neatly labeled. Pens and (freshly sharpened) pencils stacked in their matching colour coordinated pots. Books all facing the right way and standing to attention, like soldiers on drill. When I asked for something to be done, it was done immediately. Things ran to time. I was never late. Deadlines were never missed. It wasn't allowed! Lessons were planned, books marked. Children did as they were told. I got, albeit mostly short and working, lunchbreaks. Things ran like clockwork, because they had to.

I also worked in an office for a couple of years. My emails were promptly replied to, then deleted or filed. Desk kept tidy, Paperwork on top of. Activity and phone calls dutifully logged on the system. My meticulous and perfectionist nature earned me the role of checking compliance. I loved it. Nothing got past me, much to the sometimes annoyance of my colleagues.

Now I parent. My workplace (our home) is constant disarray and chaos. Trying to get out of the house in the morning is an almighty challenge. Things don't have homes or places so I find them sqatting illegally on the kitchen dresser or table. Mess seems to reproduce faster than two horny bunnies. There is no end of the working day. Once the children are asleep, my second job as housewife starts. House to clean and tidy, dinner to cook, laundry to wash, dry and put away (I gave up on ironing long, long ago) meals to plan and groceries to buy. I know it sounds like the ultimate cliche, but it's so so much harder than being at work.

And I struggle to do it all. I can't keep on top of it. And I hate it. I really, really hate it. I hate the lack of control. I hate that things are inefficient and untidy. It makes me incredibly stressed. And this is my inner monster, the demon I fight continually every single day. People say, just let things go, but I can't. The mess would stare at me all day long, my anxiety levels getting higher and higher, until I eventually break down. Cue tears and rushing about in a frenzied fashion tidying up.

Cleaning and tidying makes me calmer. They allow be to be in control in my world where I have very little. Doing all the dishes, putting everything away and shining my sink is the perfect tonic, after a day of failing to console a crying baby. (Use window cleaner and a clean soft cloth, for a real sparkle!) To bring order to my world full of chaos, is my goal. To have a calm and clutter free home. I'll get there. Eventually. 

But right now, I have an absolutely beautiful, but hungry and cross little boy who needs feeding and then settling. It only took two hours earlier, so this'll be a breeze, right...?

Long time, no see....

It's been a rather long time since my last post. A lot has happened. I've gained a son  for starters. I have also discovered the Marie Kondo method of decluttering my home. I'll admit I'm not sticking to it religiously (I'm still balling my socks, not folding them and I'm not talking to my possessions, thanking them for all they've done for me). So many of my posts will most likely now be about my transition from one offspring to two, my ongoing fight against the tide of toys and baby paraphernalia and my quest for order and calm in my home and life generally!

Little Bear is five and a half weeks old now and is definitely making his presence known and exercising his new lungs! The journey from being mummy to one, to being mummy to two was a bit more of a shock than I expected. I've spent the past five weeks breastfeeding, winding, changing nappies, more breastfeeding, jigging, rocking, swaying, more breastfeeding, pacing, crying (lots of crying), despairing, being pulled in opposite directions, wishing I had another pair of hands.... oh, and breastfeeding. The little man feeds every couple of hours. He does grant me four hour slots in which to try and sleep at night, for which I am eternally grateful.

He is a very different baby to his big sister. He is finding the transition from in utero to the big wide world bewildering and overwhelming. Come to think of it, I feel pretty bewildered and overwhelmed most of the time too! I think I was very naive thinking that as I had done this baby thing before, it would be easy. Oh goodness, how wrong was I? It is so, so much harder with two!

I am spending my days trying to stay on top of everything, keeping things in order and generally feeling like I'm swimming against the tide, with the threat of imminent drowning ever present on the horizon.

I find a lot of time motherhood is spent feeling an overwhelming range of emotions: love, guilt, frustration, confusion, adoration, failure, loneliness. I'm fairly sure most mums feel like this... Don't they...?? Social media is a wonderful thing for advice and support. With both my children, I have a group of ladies who had children at the same time. Some I have met, some have become my closest friends, others I only know from their Facebook profiles. There is always someone online at three in the morning, awake, feeding a baby. It's reassuring. However, on the other hand, social media presents an Instagram life - well filtered portrayal of the perfect family and home. Smiling, happy babies, immaculate rooms in homes with not a scrap of Happyland, broken crayons or sick covered muslins in sight. Do these people really exist? Or is all their clutter, forgotten nappy sacks and selection of milk covered babygros all piled high out of sight of the camera lens?

My aim is to be honest. These posts will probably mostly be written one handed, in the early hours of the morning, during bleary eyed feeds. The only time I have when I can sit down, the toddler asleep and baby quiet and content. I can't promise the photos won't have the Instagram magic touch (I need all the help I can get!), but the content will definitely be #nofilter

Xx