The pursuit of orderliness

Since becoming a full time stay at home mum, I have found it hard. Incredibly hard. Yes, i know I'm unbelievably lucky, fortunate and blessed to have this special short amount of time with my little ones, watching then grow and develop into little people. However, I have missed adult company and conversation. And it's lonely. By god, is it lonely.

I have slowly been numbed by countless hours of CBeebies and those damned surprise eggs on YouTube (but good god, they are a lifesaver when you really, really need five minutes peace or have to make dinner!) I have slowly become a expert in Makaton (Thank you very much Mr Tumble) and tree fu (not quite so useful, Tom...) and grown a severe, almost violent dislike for certain fluffy fictional characters (watch out Raa Raa, those stupid creatures from Waybaloo (it's YOGA not yogo!), Upsy Daisy (such a floozy) and all the Tweenies, apart from Max, who deserves a medal!) My ear worms are now all children's tv theme tunes. My current affairs knowledge is what ever is trending on Facebook. In depth discussions are now about parenting methods, potty training tips or how to get your toddler to stay in bed past 5 am. I'm sure I used to have a brain...

I also used to be incredibly meticulous and efficient. These are two adjectives completely unknown and alien to a toddler and a newborn.

 And herein less my problem.

I am slowly losing control.

I used to teach. My classroom was my realm: My rules. My expectations. My way.  It was always scrupulously tidy, organised and ordered. Drawers were neatly labeled. Pens and (freshly sharpened) pencils stacked in their matching colour coordinated pots. Books all facing the right way and standing to attention, like soldiers on drill. When I asked for something to be done, it was done immediately. Things ran to time. I was never late. Deadlines were never missed. It wasn't allowed! Lessons were planned, books marked. Children did as they were told. I got, albeit mostly short and working, lunchbreaks. Things ran like clockwork, because they had to.

I also worked in an office for a couple of years. My emails were promptly replied to, then deleted or filed. Desk kept tidy, Paperwork on top of. Activity and phone calls dutifully logged on the system. My meticulous and perfectionist nature earned me the role of checking compliance. I loved it. Nothing got past me, much to the sometimes annoyance of my colleagues.

Now I parent. My workplace (our home) is constant disarray and chaos. Trying to get out of the house in the morning is an almighty challenge. Things don't have homes or places so I find them sqatting illegally on the kitchen dresser or table. Mess seems to reproduce faster than two horny bunnies. There is no end of the working day. Once the children are asleep, my second job as housewife starts. House to clean and tidy, dinner to cook, laundry to wash, dry and put away (I gave up on ironing long, long ago) meals to plan and groceries to buy. I know it sounds like the ultimate cliche, but it's so so much harder than being at work.

And I struggle to do it all. I can't keep on top of it. And I hate it. I really, really hate it. I hate the lack of control. I hate that things are inefficient and untidy. It makes me incredibly stressed. And this is my inner monster, the demon I fight continually every single day. People say, just let things go, but I can't. The mess would stare at me all day long, my anxiety levels getting higher and higher, until I eventually break down. Cue tears and rushing about in a frenzied fashion tidying up.

Cleaning and tidying makes me calmer. They allow be to be in control in my world where I have very little. Doing all the dishes, putting everything away and shining my sink is the perfect tonic, after a day of failing to console a crying baby. (Use window cleaner and a clean soft cloth, for a real sparkle!) To bring order to my world full of chaos, is my goal. To have a calm and clutter free home. I'll get there. Eventually. 

But right now, I have an absolutely beautiful, but hungry and cross little boy who needs feeding and then settling. It only took two hours earlier, so this'll be a breeze, right...?